Nocturne
by Sydney Alexis
Summary: J/P This piece is my first dabble into the Janeway/ Paris realtionship. It is a bit angsty in parts, but has a happy ending.


Nocturne

Sydney Alexis

Rating: R (for mild sexual content) 

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, but the words are mine. If you are underage of put off at the idea of M/F relations, look elsewhere. 

Notes: Nocturne is a both a painting of a night scene and a pensive, dreamy musical instrumental composition. Two of Chopin's piece inspired this work: Nocturne in E flat and Revolutionary (Etude in C minor).   


**Kathryn:**   


For seven years, this ship has been on a course for the Alpha Quadrant. Seven years of rationing food and energy, lost crew members, destroyed shuttles, confrontations and conflict with alien races, hurt feelings, and an overwhelming sense of being totally lost. 

Granted, we now had monthly contact with the Federation, but that only seemed to make things worse. Letters from home made some homesick. Maquis members grew worried of what awaited them once we reached Earth. Most of all, I grew fearful of the microscope that I would be place under. Surely every personal log I ever made would be combed over. Starfleet would wonder how I survived the loneliness of command without going mad. I suppose on some levels I had though I had played my part so well. I acted like the pillar of strength, the symbol of Starfleet, the beckon that encouraged them to work forward towards home. In truth, I was exhausted. Time off was not a real option. Shore leave was few and far between. 

I suppose that is why I did what had to be done. I separated the part of me that was Kathryn and let that side only appear when I was alone. I kept it neatly tucked away in the depths of my soul, hidden behind protocol. _Protocol._ I had come to use that word as a crutch to avoid feeling anything. I couldn't afford to feel simply because it would compromise my judgement. Some would say that it was irrational, and point out that this trip could very well last seventy years. However, I have an unshakable fear that, if I should finally open myself up to someone, I would be forced to order him to his death. So, I did what any other person would do and turned to the holodeck. 

Even after a few months with Michael, I began to see that he was just as hollow as his matrix. The words that he spoke, the actions that he took were nothing more then mathematical equations programmed into the computer to act as responses. Human emotions, the very basis of love, is what was lacking. The day I realized that was a low point indeed. I had been fooling myself into false happiness. Of course, my infatuation with another person also helped to quench my feelings for Michael. Feelings...a smile word to wrap up everything I felt in a nice little package. He, unlike Michael, is flesh and blood, but spoken for as well as being a subordinate. 

I never fully saw him _that_ light until a few months ago. Granted, I had heard rumors about him, but I never believed them. I suppose it was a long term building of moments that led up to it. Fleeting memories that seemed insignificant at the time: a small joke to break the tension, a well meant set-up to pair off the commander and I, but it was the tiny gestures that really caught my attention. While the majority of the crew only treated me as their Captain at all times, Tom managed to separate the captain from Kathryn. He could read me, most of the time: A smile encouraged him on, a wave of the hand and he stopped, but it was the small gestures that truly hooked me. I still recall the sympathetic look in his eyes when he came to my office and asked if there was any aspect of the Fair Haven program I wanted to save. In that small moment, in the privacy of my ready room, he managed to salvage what was left of my dignity. And just as he came in, he left without a harsh word or wise crack. 

Of course, every person isn't without their faults. Tom is impulsive. While always well meaning, he does have a tendency to step out of line every so often. It's in those instances that I am the most heartbroken. It's so damned hard to yell at him for conduct unbecoming when his crystal blue eyes are staring back at me. 

I suppose that he would just say that I was the captain acting accordingly not Kathryn. He was able to separate my two personalities, but, somehow, I can't. I know that that sounds irrational, but it's true. Every day I shared a shift with him was like an eternity. Siting in my command chair, my mind transfixed on him. When the silence of the bridge got to be too much, or when the sound of his voice threatened to pull me into those thoughts, I would retreat into my ready room, thankful that none of the bridge crew were Betazed. From there, I would complete on paperwork, go over scans, work on new propulsion designed, and half-pray that Voyager would fall under attack. Anything to get my mind off of him. I sighed. When did I get so adolescent about him? Of course, protocol made sure that dreams...very vivid dreams...were the only way that I could have him. Every detail, every scene was exquisite torture. I would always subconsciously flush as my mind meandered through situations. But, no matter how I thought about him, I always returned to my quarters alone. Regardless of protocol, he was already spoken for. Then, today, it happened. The impossible came true.   


**Tom:**   


I've never really believed in love at first sight. Hell, the first time I saw her..her uniform clean and crisp, her hair drawn up into that bun, the way she spoke to me...I thought of her as a typical Starfleet captain. It wasn't until I got to know her and vice versa that I grew to like her. 

Kathryn and I became friends overtime. At times, I pushed the limits, but, somehow, we managed to balance our professional relationship with out friendship. So, yes, when I was sentenced to thirty days I was upset, but I knew it upset her just as much. Ever the Starfleet captain. Those thirty days left me with nothing but time to think. Thought I was supposed to be thinking about my crime, I really thought about her. The pain reflected in her eyes as she removed that pip. The first smile that she gave me. The way her demeanor changed around me after I proved my talents at piloting. Her tiny figure leaning over the pool table to line up the last shot. The expression of pure delight as she sipped her first cup of coffee in the morning. The way she would stand behind me with her hand on my shoulder. I analyzed every detail, hoping to find some hint that she felt the same way. My thoughts only managed to drag up more unanswered questions. Two months after my time in the brig, my main questions were answered by mistake. 

The mistake wasn't totally mine, We had just let too much silence pass between us. The romance started to fade, and I was too wrapped up to notice she and my best 'friend' were spending a great deal of time together. Too wrapped up...it was the excuse my mind gave me. Yes, I was pouring myself into work, but I was also tending to spend more time in the holodeck, playing pool with her. I didn't notice B'Elanna was slipping away. So, after the long awaited confrontation, I did what I always did; I went to a bar and got drunk. Unfortunately, I start to talk too much of the truth when I do. I never imagined that she would show up. I also never imagined that I would confess so much to her.   


**Kathryn:**   


The tension in the room as they entered the staff meeting this morning was incredible. B'Elanna's face was calm, but her eyes were filled with anger. Tom's left cheek was turning from shades of red to a deep purple color. He was visibly upset, but took his seat without a word. I normally would have chided them for their tardiness, but one look at his face...the pain hidden beneath the surface... was enough to stop me. 

That evening, I stumbled into him while walking through Fair Haven. He was in Sullivan's talking to Michael. A half-filled bottle of whiskey on the counter-top, and an empty one beside it, he sat, slumped over the bar. His speech was slurred, angry. The mark on his face had grown worse over the day, yet he refused to receive medical attention. Michael smiled at me as I entered. He was a bit upset to see me still in uniform; the universal symbol that I was still on duty. 

"Katie, good to see you." 

"Nice to see you too, Michael. Would you mind if I talked to Tom for a moment?" 

"'Course not," he said, walking towards the door. "Just be sure to lock up when you're done." 

I nodded slowly and made my way towards the bar. "If you are here to drag me to sickbay you can forget it," he said, not looking up from his empty glass. 

"I wasn't going to suggest that. I just came to talk." 

"I think I've done enough talking for one day. It's what got me into trouble in the first place. Look, Captain, you don't have to play the peacemaker. B'Elanna and I will avoid each other. Of that I am sure." 

"I'm not here to play peacemaker, Tom. I came to talk to a friend..or listen." 

Sitting down a the bar beside him, I placed my hand on his shoulder, offering a small smile. I was hoping that this could all be resolved this evening, but, by the look on his face, it would take a bit more time. 

"It was a mistake, nothing more. I shouldn't have said a word. It was said in the heat of the moment. I wanted to make her hurt for what she had done...wanted her to feel the pain I was feeling.... 

"I stopped off at Harry's to see if he wanted to play pool in Sandrine's with me. When I got to the hallway outside his quarters, I heard muffled screams, the sounds of objects being thrown across the room...I got worried, so I entered the override codes. I found him and B'Elanna half dressed, kissing. She started to yell at me, posturing, asking how dare I barge in like I owned the place. She said I was a voyeur. That Harry was more of a man than I was..that he treated her like a woman should be treated. I just stood there and listened to her yell at me, unable to believe what was happening. Imagine that; Tom Paris speechless. You know, Harry just stood there....he just stood there and watched the whole thing... 

"This morning, I was in riding the lift up to the bridge when it stopped on deck two. She climbed in, glaring at me that whole time. 

'Come on, Tom. I'm waiting for at least one remark. What's a'matter cat got your tongue?" No smart words to say? That's a first. Of course, that is the only thing that you can do well..make people laugh. Though it is usually at your own expense.' 

"I felt my anger starting to grow. The more I tried to remain calm, the more she taunted me. I finally started to yell. I said everything I knew would upset her. I questioned her honor, hell, I even called her a slut. She just glared at me. Her eyes glazing over with a mixed look of hurt and anger, until she hit me. At least I got some reaction out of her." 

"Oh, Tom. I had no idea." 

"She betrayed me. I loved her and she betrayed me. I guess I was stupid to think that any woman could ever love me. I'm just the buffer, the rebound guy. The sooner I accept that, the less I will get hurt." 

His words stung. Though his act of self-loathing was hurtful even to my ears, what he said seemed to disturb me more than they should. I felt my eyes starting to tear. Such pain was in his eyes." 

"Tom, that isn't true, and you know it." 

"Do I? Isn't it true, Captain. Ever since we have been trapped in the Delta Quadrant, I felt drawn towards her. I fell in love with her, but it seemed to take forever to convince her that I was what she wanted. Once she was finally fighting her demons, she turns to Harry. Harry, of all people, I never thought that my best friend...," he voice broke off. 

I felt words tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I suppose the dark feeling in the air was contagious. 

"You know, I can recall when I was growing up as a child, my mother telling me that there is someone out their for everyone, and all the others that we fall in love with are nothing more than teachers. They train you to understand what love is so that, when it does come, you recognize it. I had thought that Mark was that person. He was so sweet, funny, charming, but weak. Incredibly weak. I suppose deep down I knew that he wouldn't wait for me, but using the first contact that I get with Earth for years to send me a Dear John letter..." 

He looked up from his newly emptied glass of whiskey. His eyes were dark. The expression on his face was unsettling. 

"Excuse me if I sound cynical, Captain, but, I think your mother was just feeding you tales. There isn't someone for everyone. Just for the ones that the Fates favor." 

"Perhaps so," I said, finally. 

"Do you regret being trapped here?" He asked, finally. 

"Hindsight being 20/20, yes. The choice I made wasn't fair to everyone. However, I wouldn't trade the experiences I have had. It's just..." 

I let my voice trailed off, still in shock that I was speaking so candidly. Based on the amount of liquor he had consumed, I should think he would not remember this conversation in the morning, but I was fearful that he would. I was letting my mask slip. I began to feel out of control. Protocol was slipping, but I was too numb from pain to care. His words were ringing true. They made me realize just how lonely I had grown over the years. 

"Just what?" He asked. This time, his eyes scanned me. I was aware of his gaze, and was trying hard to maintain what little composure I had left. 

"It's nothing." 

"Oh no. It's your turn to confess, Kathryn." 

"So its Kathryn now, it is? That's subordination, Lieutenant." 

"What are you going to do? Throw me in the brig again?" He laughed. 

"No. The bridge isn't the same without you," I said, truthfully. 

"Oh, I'm touched. Now, stop evading the question. Just what?" 

"You don't give up, do you?" I laughed. It was nervous laughter, distant. 

He nodded his head slowly, and turned to face me. The look in his eyes was serious. 

"It's just that I am so tired of being the Captain. I can't remember what it's like to just be Kathryn." 

"Then why not turn the ship of the Chakotay for awhile?" 

"It's deeper than just that. Sure, I take a few days off. I spend a few days resting, in the holodecks, reading over long neglected literature. Then what? I return to being captain." 

From the expression on his face, he wasn't following the vague line that I was trying to draw. 

"Holodeck characters are just that...hollow. They are pre-programmed with responses of how to react to certain situations. As sweet and funny as Michael is, he doesn't have everything that I need. Granted, he can hold me if I ask him to, and his embrace is warm, but it lacks the warmth you feel when someone loves you. It goes past the body to the spiritual...God, that sounded silly," I laughed, suddenly realizing that I was pouring my heart out to Tom Paris of all people. I closed my eyes, waiting for a quick joke at my own expense. Instead, he just smiled at me. 

"I never realized how alone you were, and me babbling on about my love life...I'm sorry, Captain. I had no idea." 

"Back to Captain already, huh?" I joked. He flashed a brief smile at me before that look of concern returned. 

"Surely there is someone aboard..." 

"Yes, there is, but he's a subordinate," I said, lowering my eyes. I was suddenly too ashamed to meet his. 

"Captain, with all due respect, this is the Delta Quadrant. Not every rule has to be followed to the letter." 

"True, but I am the highest ranking officer here. I have to uphold the decorum, the regulations. If I grow lax just to enjoy myself, than I am showing the crew that they can do the same." 

"You're making it sound as if the ship is going to fall into chaos if you fall in love, Captain. It won't. As much as you hate it, people need someone to talk to, to hold them, to make love to them every once and awhile. I know you might see it as a weakness to need someone, but I don't. So this man you have a crush on is a subordinate. Everyone on this ship is one to you. Seventy years is a long time. Maybe you should let the rules slide a bit." 

There was a long pause after he spoke. I suppose I was stunned into silence. Everything he said made sense, and yet I was still scare to say a word. Fear...fear was all that remained me from telling him...A grin crossed his features, slowly. 

"You know what I am saying is true. In fact, you've gone over it a thousand times before. So what's holding you back but fear? Why don't you just tell him?" 

I felt a lump in the back of my throat. I was trying desperately to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. I closed my eyes shut, trying hard not to let emotion win. Why couldn't he just be his normal self? Why couldn't he just make some wise crack and clear the air. God, when did it get so hot in here? 

"I can't tell him," I finally whispered. 

"Why not?" 

My emotions finally won over. The tears welling in my eyes began to fall. I suddenly became aware of his hand on my cheek. It was warm...it felt so good. He was inches from me. I could feel the vapor on my face. My heart began to race. I could smell him... a sweet mixture of soap, whiskey, and his own scent. His lips brushed up against mine. 

"Because I'm in love with a man whose heart belongs to someone else," she said, just above a whisper. 

"He thought it did, but he was wrong," he whispered into my ear. His nose nuzzled my neck, his hands in my hair. 

"What makes you think your the subordinate?" I said, coyly. He started to laugh. 

"You didn't pull away, did you?" He asked, kissing me before I could utter another word.   


* * *

**Third Person:**

Captain's personal log, supplemental: 

"Three weeks have past since that night in Sullivan's. Ever since than, I have been avoiding Tom. I'm not completely convinced that he remembers everything that I said or that kiss we shared, but I am simply too embarrassed to admit it. It was a moment of weakness when what is right and logical was replaced by what felt good. I gave in, drunk by the moment, the air, the incredibly soft look in his eyes. 

"For his part, Tom seems content on giving me some space. Perhaps he doesn't remember what transpired. I hope he doesn't. He has been quite. The smile on his face seems forced, vacant. His eyes have a lackluster appearance. Even his stories seem to have taken on darker overtones, when he does tell any at all. I suppose that I could just associate all of those with B'Elanna and his constant bickering, but that too has faded. 

"I spend most of my shift in my ready room. Seeing him is just too painful. I curse myself for being so weak, but part of me loved that night. For a few hours, I was free. I spoke my mind, saying whatever I wanted without filtering my words. His face lit up when I finally smiled at him, and the feel of being in warm arms again... was overwhelming. We danced well into the wee hours of the morning, not caring of the time. In those moments, I was just Kathryn. I felt alive, truly alive for the first time in ages. But reality intruded, and our time together grew to a premature end. He kissed me one last time, and I returned to my quarters, alone...again. 

"Computer, end recording, date, and save." 

The computer beeped with its instructions. Captain Janeway sat back in her seat. This shift was going exceptionally slow. Though she should be on the bridge, the sight of him was something that she still could not bear. Her mind would wander back onto that night and the all important word, protocol, would return to her mind. Every time her mind began to center on thoughts of him, she would recall the phrase he spoke to her: _'The ship won't fall into chaos just because the captain finds love.'_

A chime at her door drew her out of her mindset. 

"Come." 

Seven strolled into the room, datapad in hand. The captain smiled at her. 

"Seven. More paperwork for me to pour over?" 

Janeway rose from her chair and moved towards the replicator. "Coffee?" 

"No. I do not require liquid supplements at this time. Thank you." 

Janeway's mind began to meander over what Seven could possibly want to speak to her dealing with a personal nature. Coffee cup in hand, she joined Seven on the sofa. A smile crossed her features as she noticed the younger woman's perfect sitting posture. 

"As they say, I am all ears." 

"The doctor seems to think that it is time that I try to perfect my social skills once again." 

Seven's voice was filled with hesitation. Her tone was even, but full of dread. Janeway recognized that tone. She used it every time the doctor demanded that she show up for a physical. 

"Oh?" She said, taking another sip of coffee. 

"He believes that it is time I tried dating again." 

"I see," she said, trying not to smile at the look on her friend's face. 

"And just who is the lucky beau this time?" 

"The doctor said that he would 'set me up with some nice fellow.'" 

"I see, and you are worried who he has picked?" 

"No. I deactivated the Doctor's program and accessed his romance subroutines. He is planning on asking Ensign Kim to accompany me to Lieutenant Paris's beach resort program." 

"I take it you are not pleased with the Doctor's choice," Janeway asked, a bemused expression on her face. 

"No. I believe Ensign Kim will make an...acceptable date." 

"Then what is the problem?" 

"When I was joined to the collective, I was just a child. While I do recall memories of other drones, I am unsure of appropriate dress for this situation. The Doctor suggested that I ask someone on this crew that I trusted and had similar taste to my own for assistance. You were the first person that I thought of." 

"Well, Seven, I am flattered. When is this date?" 

"Tomorrow evening." 

"I see. Perhaps we could work on this after my shift is over. 1500 hours. I will meet you in the holodeck." 

"The holodeck?" 

"Trust me." She said, a smile spreading across her features. 

"Thank you, Captain," Seven said, rising from the sofa. 

"Anytime." 

Seven walked quickly towards the door. 'Seven on a date with Harry. Poor thing won't survive long. Oh well, the Doctor knows best.' Janeway thought to herself. 

"Seven, just one more thing." 

"Yes?" Her brow raising. 

"Be gentle with Harry," she said, trying hard to mask her laughter. 

"Yes, Captain." 

With that, Seven left the room. As soon as the doors to her ready room closed, Captain Janeway slid back into her sofa. For the first time in weeks, she began to laugh, lightly at first, but it soon filled the room.   


* * *

  


**Kathryn:**

After viewing seventy four models for dresses and appropriate beach wear, Seven finally managed to find a dress that was "Efficient." I never knew that Borg's had such picky tastes. I made my way down the hall towards my quarters to find Tom waiting outside. Taking a deep breath, I made my way down the corridor. 

"Something I can help you with, Tom?" 

"Well, yes, Captain." 

I keyed in the code and entered my quarters with Tom behind me. 

"Computer, lights 75%." 

I turned towards him, smiling. "Have a seat. I'll be right with you." 

Walking into the bedroom, I called back to him, "Order anything you want from the replicator." I slipped out of my uniform and into an old dress, and returned to the main room. He greeted me with a warm smile. 

"I came here to talk to you about this date the Doc set Harry up on." 

"Oh?" 

"Harry seems to think that he won't be safe alone with her. Something about her being able to severely injure him..." 

I laughed the image my mind conjured, very aware that she could. I also knew that the outfit she chose would get some sort of reaction out of him. 

"So what do you suggest, Tom?" 

"Well, he asked me if I would mind doubling with him. He said that Seven agreed to it. She said it would be an 'intriguing to watch how other couple react to each other.'" 

"And you want me to go with you?" 

"You make it sound like its the coming of the apocalypse." 

He stood and crossed the room. He was inches from me again. A beaming smile spread across his face. His eyes hopeful for the first time in weeks. I laugh at his joke, glad that my Tom is back. My Tom? When did he become mine.   


**Tom:**   


She is standing inches from me. Breathtaking is the only word that I could use to describe her. I know she's uncomfortable with the idea, but Seven and Harry would be there. I smile at her, watching her eyes cloud with a thousand emotions. She doesn't know what she wants. I bet she's even going over protocol about dating subordinates in her mind. I know that she remembers that night. I know I do. That rose scent that she wears wafted towards me, assaulting my senses. Her lips were so soft as I kissed her. I never expected her to return the kiss, but she did. She relaxed into my arms. We even danced for the better part of the night. The look on her eyes when she left that holodeck was as plain as the look they wear now...longing. 

A long pause passes. I know what she is thinking; a slick way to duck out of this. I smile at her again. Stepping towards her, I wrap my arms around her tiny waist and kiss her deeply. I'm surprised to feel her kiss me back. 

"Pick me up at 1700 hours." 

My heart starts to beat even faster. She agreed! Her eyes begin to twinkle. I know that I should leave, but I can't seem to move. My mind is transfixed on her. 

Her hand glides along my cheek. Her thumb stopping to caress the soft tissue of my lips. I smiled at her again, too stunned to speak. She's kissing me again. My lips, my neck, nipping on my ear. I grow steadily aware of my proximity to her. In the back of my mind I know I should leave before I do something stupid to screw things up, but she smells so good... 

"Good night, Tom," she whispered into my ear.   


* * *

  


**Kathryn:**   


I've gone through everything in my closet a dozen times and still don't know what to wear. I need something reserved, classy, but not so much so. I don't want to seem uptight. Inwardly I groan for getting myself into this situation. Glancing down at the chronometer, I see that I have ten minutes before he will be here. I start to think about the outfits that Seven and I looked at the day before, and recall one that wasn't too revealing. 

"Computer, access the holodeck program Seven beta-22. Show selections twelve through twenty." 

The computer chirped with acknowledgment and replayed the selections. "Replicate number seventeen." Again, the computer chirped with recognition. A black one piece and a sarong appeared in the tiny compartment of the replicator. I padded back into the bedroom and dressed with a few minutes to spare. I regarded the image that greeted me in the mirror. Compared to Seven of Nine, I was no match. That outfit she picked out would surely catch both men's attention. Mine was modest in comparison. A black one piece that clung to my form just tight enough. The neckline was a bit low for my taste, but I didn't think to change it. The sarong, in great contrast to the black background, was full of vivid red, oranges, and yellows. It was tied at the side and fell just below my knees. My hair hung loosely at my shoulders, and leather sandals adorned my feet. 

Before I could contemplate ways of backing out of this night, the door chimed. I moved towards it with hesitation, full well knowing who was waiting on the other side. I keyed in the code to unlock my door and it slid open to reveal Tom. He had a brimming smile plastered across his face that seemed to grow when he saw me. He was wearing a typical Hawaiian style shirt. It had a solid red background with bright yellow hibiscus flowers forming a ring around the shirt. He wore loose, baggy, tan colored shorts that fell just past the knees and leather sandals as well. In his hand, was a bouquet of native flowers. They were forgotten as he stood in the doorway, staring at me. 

There was a long pause before he spoke. "You...you look...amazing, Captain." 

I laughed at him. I managed to make him speechless...again. 

"I think it's safe to call me Kathryn; Captain seems a bit out of place under the circumstances."   


**Tom:**

I find that all I can do is stare. She looks incredible. I never realized how _perfect_ her figure was until this moment. Meeting her eyes is next to impossible. I fear she will read the thoughts my mind is casting up. I finally remember the flowers that I had replicated moments before and had spent hours picking out of the database. I hand them to her, and she smiles at me. An earnest smile of surprise. She kisses me softly on the cheek and invites me in. 

"Unless I am mistaken, we still have half an hour before we have to meet Harry and Seven," she said, finally breaking the silence. 

I watch her cross the room, placing the flowers in a small vase on her desk. Just watching her move..Her face grows serious for a moment. 

"I think that we should talk about what happened the other night," she starts. My heart drops. I had been expecting this for some time, but I was hoping it wouldn't come. I follow her towards to sofa, and take a seat near her. She is smiling at me, perhaps it is a good sign. My stomach is in knots as I run through the possible scenarios through my mind. 

"That night I think we both said some things that weren't totally appropriate. You were drunk and hurting..." 

She paused, her voice trailed off. I was not expecting what happened next; Kathryn took my hand in hers. I finally looked up to meet her eyes. They were covered with a thin sheen of tears. She closed them, allowing them to fall. I had never seen her like this. Raw emotion was surging through her. She started to speak again, her voice trembling. 

"I said so many things that night that I shouldn't have. I was just so caught up in the moment..." 

"It's okay," I said, wiping the tears from her cheeks. 

I pulled her close to me, surprised that she didn't fight. She relaxed into my arms, just as she did that night. In a tiny voice she finished her thought. 

"Part of me doesn't regret that I said them, but the other part is so terrified." 

"I knew the shirt was a bit much," I said, eliciting a small laugh from her. 

She stiffened against me, straightening her back. Her composure returned, she gave me a slight smile. "Now that I have sufficiently wet down your shoulder, perhaps we should make our way to the holodeck." 

I smiled at her. Kathryn always struck me as such a courageous woman. Intelligent, funny, and incredibly strong. I never imagined she would let anyone, let alone myself, see her softer side. 

I stood, offering her my hand, and led her towards the holodeck.   


**Kathryn:**   


When we arrived at the holodeck, Seven and Harry were sitting at a table near the calypso band that was playing. Steel drums filled the room with a soft Caribbean melody. Harry was speaking while Seven nodded her head occasionally. I had to smile at Harry as we entered. He obviously looked relieved and worried at the same time. 

He stood as we approached the table while Tom helped me into my chair. I watched Harry's expression; it was priceless. 

"I take it that Tom didn't mention who has date was this evening," I said in as even a tone as I could. 

"No, Ma'am." 

"Kathryn was gracious enough to agree to my invitation," Tom said, a sly grin crossing his face. 

"Captain, may I inquire as to why you agreed to attend this event with Lieutenant Paris?" 

I straightened in my seat. Somehow, Seven knew just the questions to ask to make things awkward. A dozen excuses ran through my mind. 

"Well, when he first asked me, I wasn't going to attend, but he sort of smooth talked me into it," I said, taking a sip of wine. 

"The Doctor informed me that men tend to ask woman out that they are sexually attracted to. Are you attracted to the Captain, Lieutenant Paris?" 

I watched Tom's face crimson. He set his drink down on the table, and turned his attention towards me. I knew I should interceded, but asking her to speak with the doctor tomorrow would be out of the question. Half the ship would hear about it in a matter of hours. I also was very aware that I couldn't lie to Seven all that easily. Thus, talking to her about things privately in the morning was out as well. 

"I'm afraid that I have to plead the fifth, Seven," he said, finally. 

"The fifth?" She asked, raising her brow. 

"Back on Earth, the people of the United State's Constitution's fifth amendment stated that a person had the right to plead the fifth amendment to keep from incriminating himself." 

"I see. So you feel that your emotions towards the captain could get you into trouble." 

"Sometimes people don't think about the reasons they do things, they just do," he said, finally. 

"To do so is illogical, impractical, and reckless," she said in reply. 

"Ensign Kim, do you regret ending your romantic relationship with Lieutenant Torres?" Seven asked. 

It was Harry's turn to grow red with embarrassment. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I reached over and touched her wrist gently. 

"Gentlemen, could you excuse Seven and I for a moment?"   


**Tom:**   


Harry and I sat and watched Seven and Kathryn as they moved away from the table. Once they were out of earshot, Harry turned towards me. 

"So, are you going to answer her question?" 

"What question?" I asked, a grin spreading across my features. 

"Do you have a thing for the captain?" 

"I don't see how that is any of your business. Besides, you don't see me asking about every little detail that happened between you and B'Elanna." 

"Oh come on. You said you didn't want to know." 

"It's hard not to know what is going on when I'm the one that had to patch you up most of the time. 'Tom, I need your help again. I just can't have more injuries added to my medical record,'" I said, faking Harry's voice. 

"Ha, ha, Tom. Now, don't try to duck out of the question. Do you have feelings for the captain?" 

I straightened in my chair. My eyes drawn towards the two figures standing in the shadows of the archway a few feet away. Kathryn's short auburn hair seemed to glow in the artificial sunlight the holodeck created. Her hands and face were so animated as she tried to explain proper decorum to the stoic, scandally clad woman in front of her. I could almost see Seven as a child when it came to her humanity with Kathryn and the Doctor as her guides. She was unaware of the situation she had created. I sighed as Harry repeated his question, knowing I couldn't slip out of answering it this time. 

"Yeah, Harry, I do." 

**Kathryn:**

I glance over at the table where Tom and Harry are sitting. Tom is gazing over at us. A wide smile crosses his features. I begin to wonder what he is thinking. From him, I turn my attention to Harry. He seems to have a shocked look on his face, and is talking quickly while gesturing with his hands. 

I return to the table, unable to read Harry's face. He seems less at ease than he did before, but Tom's smile just spreads. 

"Would you like to dance?" Tom said, offering me his hand. 

"I'd love to." 

He pulled me into the center of the dance floor, calling for a change of music. An ancient Earth tune filled the room. A dark timbred woman's voice filled the room. The melancholy melody was haunting, empty, longing. It was almost heartbreaking to listen to. 

Tom drew me closer to him. As his hands snaked around my waist, I wrapped my arms around his and placed my head on his chest. I could hear his racing heartbeat, smell his spicy aftershave. I closed my eyes to relish the moment, lost in a sea of pure senses. It felt so good to have warm arms wrap around my body. Becoming less aware of my surrounds, I centered my thoughts on him. He gave me a small kiss on the top of my head. 

"Kathryn, I think the music stopped," Tom whispered into my ear. 

I ignored his words, nestling myself closer to him. He pulled me away, slowly I meet his gaze. His eyes were soft. I recognized the look they reflected...longing. 

"I should get you home," he said, sighing. 

"Not just yet." 

I stepped back, finally gazing at the room. Harry and Seven were no where in sight. The holographic band was packing up their instruments. Turning towards the ocean, I could see the sun was just starting to set. The sky was ablaze with shades of deep magenta, red, and violet. The crystal blue water moved along the white sand of the beach, sliding in and out with the movement of the waves.   


**Tom:**   


I watch her looking out at the ocean. The setting sun caught the highlights in her hair. The balance between her soft ivory color of her skin and the delicate rosey hue of her lips is striking. Taking her hand, I guide her towards the water. We walk, barefoot, along the beach. She is holding my hand, not pulling away, as if it was second nature to the both of us. Stopping suddenly, she turns towards me. An odd expression crossed her feature. Fearful I am reading her wrong, I stand still. 

Without a word, she closes the distance between us, drawing me into a kiss. My hands instinctively go to her waist, my lips move to her neck. She doesn't stop me. I marvel at the softness of her skin..the fullness of her breasts. Her breaking grows shallow. 

"Computer, initiate privacy lock, authorization Janeway, gamma-delta 887." 

"Are you sure that you want this?" 

She kissed me in response. Her tongue gently separating my lips and teeth, and joining mine in suggestive moment. I'd never experienced anything like it. A simple kiss almost made my loose what coherent thoughts I had left. 

"Yes," she whispered. 

It was all the confirmation I needed. I turned from kissing her lips to her neck while my hands roved over her body. Moving slowly, methodically, I reached her shoulder. Leaving butterfly kisses in my wake, I guided the straps of her bathing suit down. My hands followed every curve of her figure as they guided the water fabric down. Kathryn moaned slightly as my hands brushed up against her breasts. 

Her nimble fingers found their way to the buttons on my shirt. In movements that seemed exceedingly slow, she finally glided her hands up my chest to my shoulders, guiding my sleeves off my shoulders. Kathryn's hands fall to the button on my shorts and hesitate for a moment.   


**Kathryn:**   


My heart begins to beat threefold what it did while we danced. I am overcome with him. The scent of him... his eyes have a voracious sheen covering them that he makes no effort to hide, the warm vapor of his breath against my body just before he kisses me. I can _feel_ him responding to my touch. I'm torn between wanted to tell him to stop or simply cry. It feels wonderful to be in the arms of a man again. Warm flesh against my own, he moans with desire. 

Giving into my own need, I ease the zipper of his shorts down. Marveling at the light bronze of his skin against the sunlight, the well sculpted muscles that his uniform hid. 

Gently, he lowers me into the sand of the beach. I feel the waves lapping up against my feet. He joins me at my side. His gaze is wide, his smile deepens as he moves towards my lips again. His kiss is slow and seductive. A symphony of movements that leave me gasping for breath. Relentless, he returns to his previous path. Finally moving to capture my left breast. I moan loudly, unable to control myself. His tongue draws circles around my nipple, drawing it erect from the sensation. His hand falls to my other, mimicking the movement of his mouth. He returns to my chest, kissing down to my navel. His tongue dips into it, but his time there is brief. He dips lower moving towards my thighs. He kisses the soft flesh. Tom motions are intense and maddening. I am on the verge of crying out when he turned his attention elsewhere. 

He moved from beside me to on top of me, returning to my lips. I can _feel_ him pressing against my thigh. The dull throbbing in my body grows wild into an ache. I moved my hands down from their perch on his shoulders to the small of his back. Without a word, he understands my cue. 

**Tom:**

"Tom...," her husky voice moaned into my ear. I merely smile at her. Just the sound of her voice... 

Time seems to slow down, become meaningless. I am aware of only her. Even in the dark shadows of the last light, the sight before her is stunning. She looks like an angel. 

Kathryn is repeating my name over and over again free of any inhibitions. A light sheen of perspiration is forming over her body, making her taste like salt and roses. 

My hands find hers on the sand and our fingers intertwine. I feel her body growing tighter around me again, and allow myself to come with her. She cries out with the release. 

I pull her into my arms, finally aware of how exhausted I am. I kiss her softly on the forehead, and whisper what I had longed to say for years, "I love you, Kathryn."   


**Kathryn:**   


My eyes begin to tear again. Did I hear him correctly? His hand is around my waist, his breathing ragged. 

"I love you too, Tom," I whisper. 

We lay on the beach, the water rising slowly over our bodies until I feel his breathing even. Confidant that he is asleep, I beam us to my quarters. For once, I am not returning alone.   


* * *

  


**Third Person:**

His shuttle was shaking violently. The next volley of fire sent the Flyer spinning out of control. Engines were off-line, phaser banks were not functioning, his shields were down to 67%, and the warp core was overloading. 

"Paris to Voyager," his fingers flew across the communications panel. "Come'on damn you...Computer, diverge power from any system left functioning to the communication array." 

"Paris to Voyager, please come in." 

"Warp core breech in ten minutes," the computer's voice cut in again. 

"Damn." 

The alien vessel powered up it's phaser banks again, preparing for another wave of attack. A tiny, blue creature appeared on Tom's communication's panel. 

"You are a stubborn _little_ man, aren't you? Surrender the vessel and we _might_ let you live," he taunted. 

Cutting the link to the other vessel, Tom began searching for any place to hide the shuttle while Voyager came into range. The paneling beneath his feet began to quiver as their next assault began. This time, their fire was twice as powerful as the last. The Flyer lurched, throwing Tom from his seat into the console behind him. His world began to grow dimmer, turning pale shades of blue. Sound became distant..conflicted. Slowly, a deep black veil overcame the blue palette his eyes saw. Tom's eyelids grew heavy. He was vaguely aware of blood on his face, the pain in his chest. His consciousness slipping, he laid back on the floor of the shuttle, giving into the darkness.   


**Kathryn:**   


Captain's Log, Stardate: 54623.05 

Once again the ship is running at half-power until we are able to locate a source of Dilithium. I have sent out several scout vessels to nearby planets with some success. Six of the seven shuttles sent out have returned empty handed. However, we have yet to hear from the Delta Flyer. Tom flew into an area of space that is involved in conflict. Just before Tom flew into their system, he informed the crew of a species, the Breannia, who have agreed to allow us to harvest enough Dilithium to pass through their system. They further transferred coordinates of a planet just 300 light years from our present location that is rich in Dilithium. However, their arch rivals are known to attack anyone they see as a threat. Thus, I sent Tom and a small team of engineers in the Delta Flyer. We should receive a transmission from them within the hour. 

"Computer, date and save," I said, turning off the panel on my desk. Grabbing the handle of my coffee cup, I took a small sip. The bitter liquid had grown cold. Had I been working that long? 

"Captain to the Bridge," Tuvok's voice came through my comm badge. 

My hands started to tremble, loosening my grip on the cup I was holding. It fell with a loud crash to the carpeting. I looked down at it, but past it. I had had this unshakable feeling that something was wrong most of the day. However, I had ignored my instinct. Straightening my shoulders, I walked out onto the bridge. Tuvok rose from the command chair and moved to his post. 

"Captain, we are receiving a message from the Delta Flyer, audio only," Harry's voice broke through the silence on the bridge. 

"On speakers." 

The message was filled with static, but the voice was unmistakable. "Paris to Voyager...under attack...shields...67%...warp core breech in 10 minutes...is dead... badly injured...haven't broken off attack...need assistance...don't know how much longer I can hold them off..." 

"Time to intercept?" 

"Six minutes at warp seven," Tuvok's even toned voice said. 

"Lay in a course, maximum warp." 

"Bridge to Torres. I need warp nine now." 

"That's not possible, Captain. We don't have enough energy left," B'Elanna said flatly. 

"I won't accept no as an answer, make it work," I said, not even trying to hide the anger in my voice. 

"Captain, may I remind you that, after this rescue mission, we may very well have little to no power left." 

"I am aware of that, Mr. Tuvok." 

I collapsed into my chair. I clapped my eyes shut, fighting the veil of tears that had formed. Though I was grateful that the Starfleet side had taken over the situation, part of me just wanted to return to my ready room and cry. How many times had I dreamt that this very scenario would play out? We would tractor his shuttle in, I would be waiting in the shuttlebay the moment that the hatch was opened. His lifeless body laying next to a console. His head in a puddle of blood. I pulled him into arms, and sobbed. I refused to let go of him. My uniform is slowly covered with the last bits of blood oozing from him. I would awake, screaming, covered in a thin sheen of perspiration. Every time, Tom would just gather me into his arms and tell me that he would never leave me. I wanted to believe that was true, but now that the moment was upon me, I was growing dangerously close to coming unhinged. 

"Torres to bridge, you should have warp 9, but only for a few minutes, Captain." 

"Thank you B'Elanna," I said, relief coloring my voice.   


* * *

  


**Tom:**

The blackness that had enveloped me slowly gave way to a shimmering white light that drew me towards it. Peaceful, soft music filled the space I was in. I closed my eyes, breathing in the heady scent of roses. I gingerly became aware of a hand taking mine. Nimble fingers encircled my own. They were warm and soft. Letting my heavy eyelids open, I was rewarded to a bright smile from Kathryn. I glanced down at her hand, a large diamond band adorned her ring finger. 

She pulled me towards her, drawing me into her arms. Instinctively, I followed her movements. We began to move to the music. It was the same song that played that night at the beach resort. _Our_ song, Patsy Cline's "Crazy." 

I suddenly became aware of my surroundings. I was in her quarters, but things seemed out of place. The dimensions seemed right, but some of the furnishings didn't seem standard issue. Then, I noticed the TV set that B'Elanna had created for me was near her desk as were a few other of my belongings. 

Another flash of white light filled the cabin. I gazed around the room. More of my belongings had appeared. For some odd reason, I didn't feel so out of place anymore. In fact, my initial reaction was that I was at home. I become more aware of my immediate surroundings. Kathryn was in my arms, asleep. As intimate of a scene it was, it somehow felt familiar. Allowing my hands to glide from her waist, I came into contact with a slight bulge in her stomach. I felt a small kick against the palm of my hand. She nestled into my chest even more, murmuring in her sleep. I began to stroke her hair, slowly. 

I gazed up at the window above her bed. Rather than a star field, I saw the white light that seemed to follow me, bathed in a soft blue light. Static, white noise filled the cabin. Though groggy from sleep, I could make out some of the words...'hold on, please...'   


* * *

  


**Kathryn**   


"Hail the alien vessel." 

"No response. They are targeting weapons." 

"Raise shields." 

"They are warp capable, Captain, and their weapons seem to be similar to our own," Tuvok said, gazing down at his panel. 

"They are targeting the Flyer." 

"Open a channel, all bans. This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Please break off attack on our shuttle." 

"No response." 

"Time to transport range?" 

"Thirty seconds," Harry said. 

"Second volley away. Shields are down to 14%." 

"Tuvok, as soon as we are in range, lock targets on their weapons array and fire." 

"Understood." 

I returned to my command chair. My legs were trembling. Seconds seemed like hours. 

"We are within range, Captain. They are hailing us, audio only." 

"Voyager, this shuttle is now our property. We claim it under the Vendelli Rights Act." 

"We have no quarrel with you, sir. We just want our crew members back." 

"The treaty states that the contents of any vessel found beyond repair belongs to the ship that finds it. That includes prisoners," the voice said, cutting his link. 

"Captain, they are locking targets on us...a full volley is coming straight at us," Harry said from his station. 

"Evasive maneuvers, return fire." 

I was thrown to the back of my seat as their first volley hit. Conduits all over the bridge exploded. I heard Tuvok's console beep lightly. 

"Direct hit to our transport and weapons array. Transporters are off-line and auto-targeting is down. Switching to manual." 

"They are targeting the Flyer again, Captain," Harry called from his station. 

"If we can't beam them out and we don't have enough time to tractor them in...Ensign, lay in a course to place us directly between the alien vessel and the Flyer." 

"Captain?" 

"Do it!" I yelled. 

"They are hailing us again." 

"Voyager, why do you deny us our prize? Move or be destroyed." 

"You're not getting any prizes today," I said, turning towards Tuvok. "Target their lifesupport and fire." 

I sat in my chair and watched the familiar orange beam move through space towards the alien vessel. It impacted within seconds. A panel from their ship was ripped away, floating out in space. Their engines came on-line as they speed away. I breathed an audible sigh of relief before ordering the Flyer be tractored into the shuttlebay. 

"Harry, beam the team directly to sickbay. Tuvok, you have the bridge," I said just before the lift doors closed. 

My footsteps became heavy and labored as I stepped from the lift to my quarters. I had intended on heading for sickbay, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. In the silence of my quarters, I reviewed my actions over the past hour, unable to believe what I had done. I sank to the floor, sobbing.   


* * *

  


**Kathryn: **

The chime to my room echoed through the cabin. I slowly got to my feet. 

"Identify." 

"Emergency Medical Hologram," the computer's voice confirmed. 

"Come." 

He entered my quarters and joined me on the sofa. 

"I thought that I might find you here, reading." 

"It helps me think." 

"You should be happy to note that, because of my brilliant skills as a surgeon, I was able to stop his internal bleeding. However, he is still in a coma." 

"I see, and the others," I said, hoping he would ignore the tremble in my voice. 

"Other than a nasty headache, Ensign Wildman is fine. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Perrymen did not survive." 

I nodded slowly, trying desperately to slip on a neutral mask. 

"May I speak off the record?" he said. 

"Of course," I said, motioning with my hand. Even if I had said no, he would have plunged forward. 

"It is no secret that you have feelings for Lieutenant Paris. There have been numerous studies that hearing a loved one's voice can sometimes reach through to them." 

I felt a lump forming in my throat. I rose and walked towards the replicator. I was dangerously close to crying again. 

"For seven years, I denied myself of feelings. I woke up, went to work, came back to my quarters, always alone. I lived as an automaton. It wasn't until that night in Sullivan's that I realized home empty my life really was. For the first time in years, I felt alive, wanted. He pulled me into his arms. They were so warm and inviting. 

"Three weeks afterwards, at that double date, was when the last of my reserve finally crumbled. He smiled so sweetly at me....he told me that he loved me. My heart won out. I ignored protocol, and let myself fall in love. 

"And now you feel guilty that you sent him on that mission." The doctor offered. 

"No, that's just part if it. I gave the order to place this ship between him and that alien vessel. I choose his life over everyone else in this crew. It was selfish, but I couldn't live with the idea of living without him." 

There was a long pause while the doctor processed what I said. He covered my hand with his. 

"Captain, you are overwrought and thinking illogically. If it was Tuvok, B'Elanna, Seven, or any other member you would have done the same thing. Do you think that Tuvok would have followed your orders, without question, if he believed you were wrong? The only reason you are doubting your actions is because of the feelings that you have for him." 

"One of the first things that I learned in command school is never become involved with a subordinate." 

"And you did. So what? With all due respect, Captain, this isn't exactly the Alpha Quadrant. If it was, Mr. Paris would be transferred elsewhere and you could continue your relationship, but this _isn't_ the Alpha Quadrant....You are not an island onto yourself. You need some support system. So, you turned to Tom. I'm sure that you find something about him appealing, though it seems to allude me... 

"Falling in love isn't a crime," he said, his tone growing softer, but more urgent. 

The Doctor's arguments were all on target. Each one managed to shoot down every reason I had for not going to see him. 

I gave him a smile. "Have you been studying diplomatic relations, Doctor?" 

"No, why?" He asked, his brow raising. 

"Because you just won." 

With that, I rose from my seat on the sofa and made my way towards sickbay.   


**Tom:**

The white light had begun to fade over the past few changes. It was being beaten back by a black veil. Slowly, I became aware of a warm hand in mine. I opened my eyelids, squinting at the brightness. After blinking a few times, I could see shapes, figures, and finally sickbay. Kathryn was at my side. Her head was on my chest. Her breathing was deep and even, and her eyelids were closed. She began to stir slightly. Lifting her head, she turned her attention to me. 

"I thought that I had lost you," she whispered. 

"Hey, a promise is a promise, isn't it?" 

She stood and kissed me, a smile crossing her features. 

"You would never believe the dream I had...," I said, returning her smile. 

**End**


End file.
